WISE WORDS

Can you imagine caring for someone so much that you would handwrite nine full pages expressing how you felt?  We are in such a hurry with our words, these days, that we barely even take the time to write a comment on a feed that adequately states what we really feel. 

There is so much disappointment and mistrust in abbreviated conversation. I wonder if we are really communicating with anyone at all?

And how do we honestly understand our own feelings about a person or situation if we are unwilling to invest the time to sit with our thoughts, dissect them, and work them through? 

When the moments I am facing feel a little ominous, my anchor is always the wisdom of those who came before me, particularly my Daddy, Jim.

Recently, I came upon a nine-page letter he wrote to my cousin [his sister’s son] in 1972.  

I had no knowledge of the letter until my cousin Dan shared it with me upon discovering it in his brother’s (Frank) belongings after his sudden passing. 

The words written were both difficult to say and [I imagine] difficult to hear. 

I am compelled to share the entirety of this letter with you now—

because wisdom felt and expressed from the heart is the grounding when we feel like we are losing our way,

because so much of the confusion going on in my cousin's head is swirling in many of us today,

because I believe you will draw strength, hope, and encouragement from hearing a quiet story of the journey of two men who shared a deep angst...and who tried, with everything inside, to contribute something meaningful.

Wise words. 

Sometimes the best way to say a hard thing is with a soft voice. And not saying it, because we are afraid, could cost someone their life. 

7-15-1972

Dear Frank,

You’ve probably noticed that we are a family of busy-bodies.  Each of us talks too much and knows all about each other’s business. But it is done in a loving and helpful way and usually it results in our being better off individually and being a closer knit family.  I know that we have a genuine and honest concern with the happiness and well-being of each other.

For these reasons, I hope you will understand my awareness of your most recent history and forgive me for sticking my nose in as well as forgive those who, out of their love for you, made me aware of the circumstances.  Each of us, in our inept way, wishes to be helpful at once and useful to you in the long range view.  None of us know exactly how to be helpful – and if you were asked, I’d bet you would find it difficult to tell us just how we could help.  

Nevertheless, if you will bear with me for a few minutes, I’d like to point out a couple of thoughts I’ve got that might be useful to you in thinking about your “NOW” as well as your future.

First, let’s eliminate any ideas you may have about being a special case.  Thousands of guys your own age have been in trouble.  I was too.  But being in trouble or making a serious mistake is only as important as what you do about it.  What do you do about it?  How do you feel about it?  What is your attitude with regard to going on?  Can you control yourself well enough to make the experience a positive part of your future growth without shame or guilt; or will you permit the experience to make you more bold, less honest, less resolved and go on and “blow” your life?  

You only have one chance of course.  I’ve decided for myself it’s far better to try to do something with your life that is positive rather than negative, that is useful and productive rather than demeaning and defeating and shaming.  I think I know the answer you will come to also.

Now let’s look at something else: As much as you miss your dad, you’ve got to go on and do this thing of life without him.  That’s tough.  But you’re far from unique even in this.  There are literally hundreds of thousands of guys without dads.  Each one of them is trying to make his life work in his own way by doing the very best he can.  As a matter of fact, many of the finest men I know who are doing the most important work around are guys who have been raised by a mother alone.  

That’s true.  It is also true that some of the guys in this world with the most problems with themselves are guys who lost their mothers.  Fathers without mothers for their children have a tough time.  As a result, the children have a tough time.  Be thankful Frank for a devoted and dedicated mother.  I know sometimes she lays it on until it seems unbearable.  But I can promise you from personal experience that it is vastly better to have a mother that cares and loves and hollers than to have one that doesn’t care and sends their sons out to destroy themselves.  

Now I know you’ve thought a lot about your dad.  I know there are plenty of times when you wish he could be with you or could talk things over with you.  I must tell you that some of that dream we all have about father and son relationships is overstated.  To my sorrow, it rarely is like we want it to be.  Dads are busy guys.  Dads have lots of problems of their own.  If they happen to have authoritative jobs or executive careers or work for themselves, or want to do some things on their own in their few minutes of spare time, they have no time for others.  The point is dads rarely can be with their sons when, or as often, as they would like.  And sons grow up and rarely have time to waste with the “old man”.  Each one thinks about it, and is troubled by it, but still, they aren’t together except to say “hello” and “how are things” and “goodnight pal” etc.  

This was how it was between me and my dad and this is how it is between Kevin and I.  Of course, we love each other, but much of what we do, what we are and what we become is up to relationships with other people and ourselves. 

Your dad was very much an executive person.  He was very ambitious and had enormous talent.  He was willing to work awfully hard to do his job well.  Frequently that meant he wasn’t at home as often as he would have liked.  But he was thinking of you and your mother and Dan!  I can testify to that from conversations we had together.  Before he knew he was very sick his aim was to build for the family a life style that was filled with doing things and making things and making it possible for his two sons to grow up to have happiness, education and opportunity.  

That is about what most men want for their children.  But when your father learned of the terminal nature of his illness, he left no stone unturned to make it possible for the family to go on alone.  His only thoughts were for your well being.  His work then makes it possible for your mother to keep the lifestyle going for you and Dan.  He wanted to help you.  He wanted you to have the chance to become something.  He gave you that chance because he loved you.   I hope you will decide to follow the road that would have made him proud of you, as well as one that will be productive and give you great satisfaction. 

When I was a boy your age (thousands of years ago), I was pretty aimless, had some confusions about what I wanted to do with myself, made mediocre grades, played hooky, got into fights, had a big mouth, and like you, was a pretty good athlete.  The only thing that turned me on much was sports and the only thing desirable was the relationship with the other guys.

 Yeh!  I liked girls too – but they weren’t important yet.  My relationship with my mother was sometimes testy and my sisters had their own lives.  I wanted to grow up fast.  Cars and motorcycles were exciting but out of reach.  I suppose you could say it was frustrating.  And to a 15 year old it looked like the same forever.

As you know, I went to Florida to work, became homesick, came home, went to Denver to work, finally came home and joined the Navy.  Why do I recite all of this useless information?  Two reasons.  First to show you that I felt some of the same things you feel – and I discovered these feelings were fairly common among 15 year old rebels.  Lots of guys have come thru these difficult years, have found new interests, new enthusiasm, new patience and new dedication and have gone forward from there.  Some haven’t.  They failed to grab themselves by the seat of the pants and say “Hold On”.  

Now is the time for you to take a close look at yourself and what you are – what you want to become and what you want to do with your life; Use it usefully or waste it?  But the best advice is patience, go slow, take it easy, work it out, stay in the system.

The 2nd reason I told you about my own 15 to 17 years was to show you that a life can get pretty confused and complicated and a guy can miss the boat and make many mistakes and still come out OK.  But someplace along the line you have to decide that life within the “tried and true” rules is how it is.  The sooner a guy can settle down to school and work and dating and some fun, the sooner life gets clearer.  It really is not complicated.  It only appears so because you want to grab a big piece of it before the system is ready to let you go [I am speaking of retirement here].  Patience, Patience, Patience.

The Navy experience gave me a 2nd chance after I had wasted a couple of years and a lot of worry and frustration.  Second chances are hard to come by.  That’s doing it the hard way. I recommend doing it right the 1st chance.  Hold up your head, stick out your chest and be your own guy.  Live up to the rules of the road.  Realize they’re made for everyone, not just you.  Get your school work behind you, earn some money (as well as learn the value of work – for work is what makes men and society tic).  Learn about girls and guys, learn that there is a time for fun and games as well as a time for applying oneself to a productive enterprise.

Learn that college is great – better if you know early what you want to do with your life.  But especially learn to do what work you enjoy and do well – and be proud of what you do.  Don’t strive for high titles or big jobs if you really don’t like them.

Learn that all of your friends don’t necessarily give a darn about you and learn that no one is your friend who councils you to do bad things.  Real friends are those who give you advice you don’t like.  Sometimes, who encourage you to do the most you can with your life, who stand behind you when your in trouble or against you when you’re about to be.

I am your friend Frank.  I want to see you put together a life you will like as well as be proud of.  I do not have all the answers, but my own mistakes have taught me lessons which may be helpful to you.  Ask me questions if you want to.  I will give you the same answers I give Kevin or myself.  They will be honest.

I join all the rest of the family in wishing you the very best and praying you will be smart enough to accept good advice from them.

God Bless Jim

James George Knox

U.S. Navy

1942