UNNECESSARY DRAMA

I caught myself. It was close but I felt this fidgety, anxious spirit rising from my belly and then I caught myself. You [speaking to myself] cannot, will not, wish for this time to pass quickly. 

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My words. Written in the beginning. A season that seems like a lifetime ago.

I have entered the foreboding fifth year with cancer, a timestamp that, for some unknown reason, represents a stronghold for a disease that refuses to let go.

For the first time in all these uncommon days I caught myself murmuring quietly,

“What’s the point?”

I didn’t like what I heard.

To mention my “situation” [as one would if sharing how long they’ve been married or the work that they do] is nearly always accompanied with the well-meaning but overtly dramatic “Oh no!” Then immediately followed by, “How do you feel?”

Such natural responses when placed in context of a permeating belief that we have no real control.

I will say it humbly—I have never been more proud of anything. That is, how I have responded and navigated this circumstance of my life.

Five years in. I tell myself along with you that this is not a season but a permeating mission:

To leverage my response [not the disease itself] to bring hope to a death-obsessed world.

I will not miss what is right in front of me, not allow a preoccupation over the what ifs to dictate the quality of my days.

Paul’s letter to the Romans implores that we [yes, even those of us who are still reading his words today] refuse to be ruled by the obsessions of the flesh—
We visualize the outward expressions of this statement: Lying, cheating, stealing, acting in a way that is unbecoming and unproductive to others and self.

But what of the obsession with the flesh within?
~Have I disregarded that my body’s daily work regenerates 330 billion cells?
~Have I failed to acknowledge the Spirit who is literally nestled amongst the tumors I worry over and about?

My cancer numbers are climbing exponentially. We have no idea why. Regard your internal response to what I’ve shared. Does it make you afraid just a little, not only for you but for me?

What circumstance do you feel you have no control over?

Let me tell you with boldness and an otherworldly conviction that there is still so much work to be done—
When we stop believing,
When we give up and give in,
We miss the opportunity to experience what we’re made of,
More, we overlook the unseen miracles transpiring right in front of us through Him.

Have I gotten more preachy with my messages over these five years? Perhaps. But I refuse to neglect the deepest meaning of the statement:

I haven’t got all day.

It’s likely true that most writers omit the sayings of “others,” focusing instead on their own words. But there’s this sweet quote by Thomas Monson that my beloved doctor wedged between the facts served up in a difficult conversation yesterday:

We can’t control the wind, but we can adjust the sails.

Before you dismiss this as remedial or something you’ve read somewhere before…let the truth of its implications sink all the way in.

Where do you need to make an adjustment?
What belief or blindside is holding you back?

Unnecessary drama. In our minds and hearts and swirling generally about. This “over-response” to everything is symptom of one thing alone—

We lack a confidence in our Creator, neglect to walk away from every single earthly disappointment or pleasure that stifles an internal compass that leads us always to the truth of our situation in Him.

If you think this message is about my cancer, you’ve missed the larger application—This is NOT a battle but a fully immersive course in LIFE.

In our quiet conversation my doctor submitted, “I think God is allowing these tumors to keep you close to God.” But I want to go one step further—He is using what I have to offer to give you hope.

Life has a way of shoving us smack into the middle of what we fear and then watching how we rise, gloriously to our highest potential.

What is happening in and through me now is as necessary, as useful as every scripted moment in all my 24,055 days.

To set this season apart, as something happening “to me” would subjugate, victimize…and I am no victim. 

Unnecssary Drama. I caught myself. Are you now? Is there a part of you that defines the hard thing as something to avoid, to disdain? The miraculous thing about life is it must be lived fully, to be fully understood.

NOTES:

There’s an overarching message I’m hearing consistently these days. That is, to focus inward and not on all the noise.

We are singular in our cellular expression. This disease is NOT one size fits all.

Can I tell you to stop looking for answers somewhere “out there,” to start listening and trusting what the Eternal voice is shouting from within?

This is not only a journey that requires a removal of things unhealthy, unseemly, and unwanted but more a careful examination of what we take in—

Not only what is toxic…but what is transcendent.

During a conversation with someone I just met, I mentioned that I was feeling led to orchestrate a prayer time to allow others to lay hands on my body. Unexpectedly, he and his family surrounded me and in the center of a busy coffee shop, they began to pray.

I learned later that he is a Pastor.
I will leave you with my favorite part:

“God, this life is something. But being with You in eternity is something else.”

In the end, no matter what happens, I win.

INTEGRATIVE TREATMENT UPDATE:

Despite the lack of clinical human trials, the use of Ivermectin, repurposed to fight cancer, has become the topic of the day. Isn’t it remarkable that a drug so despised and defamed by the pharmaceutical industry just months ago is now experiencing a popularity of epic proportions? In fact, several states are actively lobbying to ensure this medication becomes available as an over-the-counter option for the treatment of diseases of all kinds.

My opinion—just as there was a “run-away” advocacy for the vaccine, we are now seeing this precise rabid championing of a repurposed application we know little about.

Anecdotally…a select few of my cancer coherts have added Ivermectin to their cancer regime with varied results. Those of us who are “testing” the medication are the “lab rats” with very little to lose.

Personally…when my numbers began to climb again I recently added Ivermectin to a long list of integrative supplements that are keeping me alive [not an overstatement]. Following the [extensive] research available at https://www.brightworkresearchtreatment.com/ I determined to add Ivermectin as a daily supplement for life.

My results…eight weeks of diligent use proved to have no positive impact on the aggressive growth of the cancer in my body. In fact, based on this “in tandem” cancer growth, while there is no way to substantiate this, I am left wondering whether the Ivermectin actually aggravated the cancer cells. Again, there are no human trials available other than the ones we are living through/in real time now.

As a result, my team and I have determined to stop the Ivermectin and retest in 10 days to see if there is any measurable, applicable data to provide direction in one way or another. I will be sure to update you.

The most important outcome of all of this is the constant reminder that our bodies are uniquely and mysteriously designed and there is no “one size fits all” magic pill.

The only magic that I know of is persistency, consistency, and dedication to education, metabolic nutrition, and copious testing through blood draws, cancer cell growth tests, and DNA exploration through extraordinary methods such as DTAR [recently approved in this country by the FDA].

ABOUT THE IMAGE: One of my favorites and it seemed like the perfect time to bring it back.
I’m going to date myself…do some of you remember these sack shirts from Mexico? This one was purchased at a vintage flea. The best part? One of my dearest friends was the President of the company represented on the back. This is me. Every bit of it. Boho. Vintage. Fearless [or at least I’d like to be].