THIS LONGING

I walked right up to the gate and inexplicably, I failed to board the plane. 

_______________

All of life is set to a cadence—seconds on the clock, singing in the shower, a heartbeat.

In the center of life’s rhythm is this longing. In you. In me. It’s as if our anthem song has dropped a beat. And we are left with this feeling like something’s missing. Something not always obvious or named. 

_____________

I can’t completely explain it, but it happened this past week. For no other reason than it didn’t feel right, I didn’t fly to Phoenix to get my puppy.

September 16, I wrote:

“YET I HAVE TOSSED AND TURNED OVER THIS DECISION LIKE THE HAUNTING OF A MELODY RUNNING INCESSANTLY THROUGH MY BRAIN.”

The loss has been more than a little agony.  I can’t understand it, I can’t find a reason for the “no.” Yet, in my search for answers I’ve discovered it’s not always about what we add to our lives but in our willingness to let go.

This longing. We fill it with things we’re desperate for. We stuff full the minutes of our days. Isolate or over-schedule, seeking some illusive comfort that we crave.

From a woman who has made a career of surrounding clients with beautiful things, comes the revelation that the fulfillment of all we long for lies in something more felt than seen.

What is it that you feel you can’t live without?

Do you feel released to pursue it without hesitance or doubt?

When we are released to run to something in full confidence, without reservation, it is not only because it’s right in this moment but in alignment with a future purpose we can’t yet see.

Sometimes, for seemingly no obvious reason, are you unwilling or unable to stick to the plan?

When you’re unsure, listen.

When you’re indecisive, listen.

When you can’t sleep, listen.

When your double minded, listen—

When what is in front of you just isn’t working, believe that it is protection or preparation for something that has not yet been revealed.

Trust that your hesitation, your angst, your confusion, and indecision are not weakness but evidence of great wisdom, courage, and strength.

Sometimes the “right-est” thing you can imagine may not be right for you. May. Not. Be. For You. 

To say no without understanding why,

To walk away and simultaneously grieve the loss,

To honor the wisdom that hides within you,

To agree with the “not yets” “not nows,” “not quite rights.”

This Longing is satisfied as much in the letting go as it is taking in.

In the willingness to stop the relentless seeking and to find what’s missing within you.

Everything in its place.

Everything in its time.

In the plans you make.

In the relationships you seek.

In the comfort you crave.

In the home you create.

The life you long for begins with the reconciliation of you…with you.

What are you wrestling with?

If something feels like it’s missing, start there.

Not in the going out and searching.

But in the coming back to yourself.

NOTES:

This morning at the gym I asked my trainer to set the weight at 90 pounds. She laughed knowing that what I asked I could never lift…at least not now.

In our pursuit of something we want, even something really good for us [like a puppy], we forget that it’s not only the desire but its timing that makes all the difference in our lives.

Weightlifting is so good for my body. But 90 pounds would break me now—

We forget in our enthusiasm that the right order of the things we want in our lives is as important as the things themselves.

I desperately wanted a Great Dane puppy. I wanted it more than you can imagine—

Particularly in light of my cancer,  Especially in my hyper-awareness of a future we may or may not have.

Yet no matter how hard I tried to make it happen, it just didn’t…

At least not yet.

When those closest to me asked, “Why didn’t you go get him,” I shared that it wasn’t something I knew that stopped me but rather something that I did not. It was as if my future was reaching right down into my now and telling me to hold out for the better plan.

I may not see the reason…yet! But I promise at some point I will be enlightened with precisely the reason why.

This longing we all carry is not only for some illusive piece of life missing in the now, but for a future we have yet to see. And I think, in every possible way, that’s extraordinary.