PEACEFUL WARRIOR
I close my eyes and stretch my body into this contorted position and then I hear my trainer whisper, “Peaceful Warrior,” and tears begin to fall.
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Maybe I’ve heard the phrase before.
Maybe in some frame of reference that had very little to do with me.
Until this moment, I have not seen myself as this.
The “warrior” part, maybe.
The peaceful part, not so much.
Had it never even entered my mind that the two opposing concepts could simultaneously exist? I work my way out of the excruciating stretch and lay flat onto the mat.
In this moment, of pushing my body beyond what I imagine it can do, there comes this visceral shiver up the back side of my left arm. This is how my spirit bears witness to the truth of it, and the truth of it runs deep.
Mine is a legacy of this juxtaposition, this seeming oxymoron of phrase—
A Mama who found a way to extract beauty from every unimaginable stress.
A Daddy who was an unmitigated fighter for things held precious and believed.
This week, confirmation came that there are two tumors [still] wedged between my pancreas and aorta. I am intrigued by my own response.
My dear friend reports that during prayer for me all she keeps hearing is “Victorious.”
Of course, the warrior in me immediately agreed…
[But here’s the most breathtaking end of that sentence]
…it is a victory wrapped up in peace.
Peace is not some passive thing, not a resolution to the news.
It is the disposition of a power position. It’s the transcendence over a bound and restricted view.
Peace comes from a clarity, a knowing, of what I will fight for and how far I am willing to go. Before agreeing to do battle, I count the cost, recognizing what I enter into may require an abandoning of my most-revered roles—Woman. Wife. Mother, Nēne— Not merely roles, but deeply rooted aspects of my personhood that must be guarded from any word or action that seeks to break these down and strip them away.
Be careful not to lose yourself, I admonish as my cortisol rises and falls. If these last four years with cancer onboard have taught me anything it is this:
There are more valuable things to fight for than the need to simply exist.
I hold myself to the standard that no matter what may be down the path, I refuse to lose my way.
Perhaps the most powerful weapon is the willingness to reveal my softer side,
to agree to be more vulnerable with my journey so that fear of the unknown is dismantled for those looking on.
This softness invites others to put into context that not all hard is bitter.
I have looked into the mirror, and I have seen what the angry warrior looks like—harsh and carved, shadowed and fixed.
My body has absorbed the full-force collision of indignation, suffered from the conflict between act of will and act of grace. This disharmony: It is the offspring of forcing body/mind/spirit to be always on-the-ready.
When you wonder why you are suffering, consider this:
Even the most-revered warrior is not in battle all the time.
Peaceful Warrior. This is my power position. The woman I seek to be.
Surprising wisdom resides in all of us. This is where we will find our peace—
from the willingness to listen and respond to the lessons deeply ingrained.
NOTES:
TRAITS OF A PEACEFUL WARRIOR
Knowing when to keep the mouth closed and the heart open.
Caring more about the person than the point.
Being clear about what you stand for.
Acting on conviction not out of conceit.
Being prepared for the consequences.
Standing ground when the consequences come.
Being in alignment with the God of the Universe.
Allowing the Holy Spirit to direct your path.
Being willing to lay your life down for Biblical truth.
Knowing what absolute truth is.
Knowing when to stand your ground and when to take territory.
Discerning your voice from the One voice.
Taking responsibility for your actions.
Admitting you were wrong.
Believing you have the power to change things for good.
Being more fascinated than fearful with what comes.
Agreeing that the outcome of your efforts may take time.
Recognizing you are more powerful than you ever imagined.
Being willing to put your whole self in.
Taking the next right step and then the other.
Living with a heart as engaged as your mind.
Insisting on resolving conflict to the degree that it depends on you.
Rushing to the roar.
IMAGE: Four years ago this month I was recovering from three surgeries and a little chemo here and there. When I considered what image to use I thought I would start here. Sometimes, when we look back at ourselves, our lives bear witness to things we confess in our todays. And I think that face, more than any other version of who I am, says, “Peaceful Warrior.” At least to me.