CHANNELING JESUS

I fell asleep with my Bible on my belly last night.

__________________ 

I used to feel defeated, this falling asleep in the midst of my prayer. But then I imagined how my little boys would fall asleep in my arms while I read, and I thought that God must have that same tenderness with me.

Last night was the same as it always is. Even though I have so much on my mind and heart to say. I could sense that my thoughts were slipping, falling in and out of a dream like state.

Then this idea came to me. You may think it strange or maybe even a little bit spiritually immature. I reached over to my bedside table and grabbed my Bible, laying it across my belly where the bulk of my cancer used to reside.

And I asked for His word to penetrate, like so many transdermal remedies I apply.

His word, like liquid healing, flowing into me while I sleep.
The idea of it supernatural, even impossible in a worldly way.

If you have followed this Journal for any amount of time you will notice I have nearly always referred to God as—The Creator of the Universe, The Creator of all things, The One who authors our lives.

These references have never been contrived or calculated, but an organic outpouring of how I relate to Him.

Those who follow along have something in common—there is this spiritual curiosity that can’t be quenched.

And we come to it like a desert sojourner, parched and thirsty, drained then drenched.

You will notice these last several Journal entries are more specific—like the tip of a pencil, sharp and to the point. The name, “Jesus” is popping up everywhere, just as much a surprise to me as to you in some ways.

When I write, I have likened it to Channeling Jesus.
I intuit, now, that He’s asking me to be more bold.

As the world devolves to be more simultaneously angry…and hungry, the mandate to be more obvious with goodness is clear.

I’m resolved about some things. But I’m feeling this turmoil that nearly always comes with being called to take the next step. Still, along with all of the questioning I am left with the conviction that every essential thing comes from Him.

You need to know [or maybe I need to tell you] that I am wrestling with something as imperative as breath—
That is, how to address the cancer in me at this stage in my journey,
and asking myself if addressing it at all gives it too much power in my life.

I have wanted, above and through all the poking and prodding, to impart heaping doses of hope. I have taken you through hospital corridors, and invited you into emergency rooms.

I have pulled back the literal curtain, and I’ve invited you in.
Not to entertain you…

but to fill you with a sense of empowerment that we have within us the ability to triumph through all things.

Here my the dilemma—Have I pointed you [enough] to a healing Savior, whose very character compels us to live WHOLE?

By His stripes I am healed. Does this mean spiritual or physical healing? Maybe both.

I am troubled by the possibility that I may not be in full agreement with his word. And I’m exploring whether this agreement can live in tandem with a way of believing…and speaking [writing] that defines cancer as something to live with or battle through.

I have professed on more than one occasion that I have difficulty praying that God would remove the cancer because of how my story is benefitting you.

Here is the question of the hour:

Wouldn’t God’s healing in every aspect of my life be a more powerful testimony than any man-made cure?

Perhaps it isn’t either/or. Maybe it’s not so black and white.

Yet, there is one thing I am sure of, the integrative medicine we all need more of, is more Jesus in our lives.

“My cancer.” Have a uttered these words just a little too much?

Have I come to identify more with being a woman with cancer, than a child of the Living Lord?

If you read His word, even just a little, you will notice that his favorite and most prolific stories involve healing—

In those who he loved intimately and dearly.
In those he hardly knew.

[The woman touches the hem of his garment without him seeing, but his spirit immediately knows. His energy is drained even before awareness. His entire being is made for this.]

As children we come to Vacation Bible School, being parked there by moms who simply needed a break. The first thing we learn is how He healed the blind, the leper, the crippled.

We are in awe of this supernatural encounter while remaining suspect that it could happen to us.

Yet, inarguable evidence proves that THIS is what He loves—A purpose intensely rooted in His underestimated love.

Is there a part of me that points to all my integrative modalities because somehow I think He might let you down?

Has my own unbelief in a supernatural healing, made me shy about asking for myself?

Who am I to question His intention,
Who am I to diminish His plan,
Who am I to dilute His message,
Who I am I to misappropriate His love?

Oh, I know you want the answers, but at this point it’s more imperative to ask—

Have you stopped talking to him altogether,
started falling asleep while you pray?

He longs to share a conversation. He’s right beside you as you drive, cook your breakfast, lay down to rest. And He longs to hear your story, longs to hear the doubt that’s weighing down your mind.

Ours is not to have the answers, but to pose the questions,
In sincerity. In humanness. In all the things we are or are not.

While the world gets louder and we become more doubtful, He reminds His voice is as close as breath.

Those of us who seek beauty, even in the hard moment, would be wise to seek first the Kingdom that is His.

Not somewhere out there like a myth or fable, but mysterious and confounding, indwelt in us.

NOTES:

On Monday I will undergo a pet scan, the first one in almost two years.

It occurs to me that as I anticipate the findings, there is one thing I can be certain lies within.

Wouldn’t it be extraordinary if mankind invented a machine that could detect the presence of His spirit in us?

Rather than tiny red spots indicating cancer, I imagine a burst of effervescent light.

I don’t have to see it, to know that it’s there.

The Healer that is within me, is mightier than any cell.