OUT OF CONTEXT
I place my hands on my sides, thumbs resting just below the back of my ribcage, my long fingers pressing just under the sternum where my tumors lie. “Here,” I ask? “Right there,” he replies.
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He embodies my mantra as if he’s written it himself—The best way to deliver hard news is with a soft voice. My oncologist and I stare quietly at the screen. Me, searching for landmarks [kidneys, pelvis, pancreas]. Him, searching for the best words to begin.
I watch for signs that I should be concerned as if looking at the flight attendant when experiencing a bumpy ride. But his arm remains splayed across the back of the chair and his cadence when speaking is unhurried and relaxed.
Out of context of a bigger God, the sentences would fall harsh and heavy and so I fix my focus there. Statistically, I am in a battle. Spiritually, I am at peace.
When asked how I felt about being told this week that my cancer was doing its best to make my body its permanent home, only one word sifted through a thousand tiny granules of emotion and made its way onto my tongue...
Fascinated.
Of all the words I could have chosen—
frightened, frustrated, angry, bitter, dismayed—
This is the one that the innermost part of me chose.
This is the part where you may draw back from the screen, confused by what you’ve just read.
Yet I remain undaunted, the one who tucks these tumors into bed.
Over these past three years, even while death has become part of regular discussions, I am more alive than I’ve ever been. In this context, the soft voice that I listen to most has become the one that dwells within—
I have learned to counter harsh news with the quiet of my breath,
to sit with the majesty of my own humanity no matter what is,
then respond to any negative with a thought-through battle plan.
This is what it feels like to be fascinated—Not an infatuation with pretty, perfect lives but an obsession with making the connection between what is difficult and what is divine.
Out of context of my strength, you may assume I am suffering.
Out of context of the prayer of mighty warriors, you might assume I'm vulnerable.
Out of context of integrative therapies, you may assume I'm weak.
This is when I need to ask, where do you place your confidence when the hard news comes?
On either side of the line drawn down the center of the page are the pluses and minuses of living with this disease.
On the left side there are revelations too numerous and glorious to count. On the right side only one lament—I’m not ready to leave quite yet.
NOTES: Here’s the overarching thing you need to know. Despite the cancer, my body is healthier then it’s ever been. Taken out of this context, what I am going through would be so much more difficult than it is. Though I write about the details often, I believe it might be useful to see the overarching reasons why I am doing so well— 1. A sold out commitment to integrative therapies explicitly designed to work in concert with one another and my unique biology. 2. A nutritional plan expressly devised to heal. 3. An overarching belief that 'this' is not a departure from life but a fascinating aspect of life itself. 4. A choir of prayer warriors who tirelessly lift my name to the Creator of every living thing. I'm not certain I’m saying that short of God’s provision I will ever be cured. But I know without question that we all have within us the ability to, in so many ways, heal ourselves. Our responsibility to our bodies cannot be understated— To align with a team of practitioners equipped to either treat with or support integrative and nutritional therapies in tandem with Western Medicine, To understand precisely who we are through extensive lab work, To research our concerns and ask all the questions until we understand, To become actively and passionately involved in our own care. From the beginning of this journey I have said that there are two things that can mean the difference between a long, more abundant life, and one that keeps you in bondage to feeling sick and unwell— Reducing inflammation in the body Strengthening the natural immune system Here is my shortlist of favorite anti-inflammatory and immune-boosting foods: Matcha/Green TeaDark, Unsweetened Chocolate, Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Wild Caught Alaskan Salmon, Avocado, Blueberries, Spinach, Kale. Try what our family calls, Nené’s Smoothie—One scoop organic, gluten free, natural vanilla Whey protein [less than 3 carbs per serving], ¼ cup frozen organic blueberries [my favorite berry low in carbs], ½ organic avocado [my superfood], Handfuls of both organic kale and spinach [organic is essential], 1 tablespoon organic sunflower or almond butter, ½ packet Xymogen Opticleanse GHI [cleansing the gut is so important], ½ packet Ortho Molecular Pro-Biotic 225 [or your favorite], 1 cup Milkadamia [unsweetened vanilla], 1 cup organic Japanese Matcha [1/2t powder blended in alkaline water]RELATED POSTS I THINK YOU WILL ENJOY