The veins in my arms are nearly nonexistent. So, we improvise and access the delicate veins in my hands.
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I inspect the tiny puncture wounds turning into familiar bruises that will last for days on end. This is what my body has been dreading all week, the insidious little injuries that are necessary to measure how healthy I am. There is a little over a gallon of blood within me and yet it seems that nearly all of my secrets can be distilled into seven relatively small vials.
It’s a story I would never have written, but now it’s mine. And I cling to it as one gripping the side of a life raft or as a child dragging her favorite cozy blanket about.
This ritual, the sneaking through security doors and down back halls only meant for doctors and security guards, has become as familiar as a weekly rendezvous to share a latte with a treasured friend.
It has taken more than time to agree that I belong here, amongst white coats and soft grey scrubs. My people are all-nighters, early risers, scurriers down endless corridors, hand scrubbers, no makeup wearers, and fluorescent light bathers. And they are the living, breathing carriers of microscopic pieces of my life.
Three years ago, I could not have imagined that I would discover beauty in the stark places, the antiseptic places, the no personality whatsoever spaces. But there is a rhythm silently being counted out in these endless closed-door halls, and I have learned to dance in its presence, if only in my mind.
I used to be afraid to change my mind, as if the letting go of my opinions would mean less left of me. But there is so much power in the willingness to adapt—
To hold onto what is sacred in the heart while allowing both body and mind to do what is necessary to survive,
To resist the instinct to go to war with what is unexpected, unusual, unfamiliar,
To not only lean in but be transformed by what is meant to strengthen.
It is not so much a letting go of who I was once but a willingness to travel through the tall grass that obscures the view on either side. What I can ask of myself in this moment is to walk steady toward something not known but deeply intended.
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What strikes me about the woman at the well is not that she went seeking him but that He was seeking her—
He knew her story,
He was familiar with her path—
He was waiting for her to arrive.
In the heat of the afternoon,
Knowing that she was exhausted,
Knowing what she needed even before she did.
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What do you need? Do you even know? More to the point, what are you willing to give up to get it?
You will never hear me say “F cancer,” or “I am battling through.”
Instead, you will hear me tell the story of how it has lightened me, rearranged my thinking, amplified the quality of my days. It seems I have adapted for my own survival and in that process I have become more useful to the world.
What are you afraid of…is it fear of losing you?
When the musician reimagines the music, we can still recognize the song. In the rephrasing the elements are expanded. The experiences of the writer are woven into each note. And we hear something [maybe even feel something] we’ve never heard before. This is what I hope my experience has somehow done for you.
Adaptation. A fresh version rising up.
What is set before you that you are in battle with?
Change. Such a scary proposition for those whose minds made up.
What are you clinging to so tightly that makes it impossible to move ahead?
I make a fist and the needle seeks its target. Then, to allow the blood to freely flow, I must slowly outstretch my fingers and release. You may think that I look away in the moment steel ruptures skin. Instead, I will myself to watch intently as fragments of who I am are necessarily sacrificed to enable me to heal, evolve, expand.
NOTES:
When we are concerned about something, our first tendency is to seek information outside of ourselves. The advise I give more than any other is to start by uncovering what lies within.
For those of you who are curious about my “situation,” asking if I am in remission or cured, I invite you to consider another more uncommon answer, “My cancer is stable.” This past week I wrote about one of my heros, Suzanne Somers who, through her own research and its application, survived while living with an aggressive form of cancer for twenty-three years. Some may say that her situation was unusual but I propose it doesn’t have to be.
When my integrative team and I began this journey we continually sought information using my own body as the most important source. It was not uncommon to leave eighteen vials of blood with the lab technicians to run little-known diagnostics that required sending my specimens to the Mayo Clinic and other state-of-the-art facilities across the country.
I am saddened and astounded that many of the tests we run as part of my ongoing treatment are still denied by insurance carriers representing some of my closest friends being treated for this disease. My second most-common advise is to gather your own team of integrative practitioners before you are faced with having to make life-altering decisions in the midst of receiving difficult news.
If you are interested in learning more about your body, I encourage you to seek out a medical partner that, above all else, has your best interest at heart—
~Someone who understands the inner workings of the body on a cellular level.
~Someone who is eager to explore what resides within your body and to share this knowledge with you.
Today we drew seven vials of blood to gauge the progress I'm making and determine how I can do better/more. I do not take lightly that we [every one of us] have this miracle at our fingertips—the mystery of life contained in every cell.
Many of you have expressed an interest in knowing about the specific labs we run for me. That’s why I am sharing my recent seven with you. These are what we consider to be my “Standing Labs,” run every five weeks to monitor cancer activity. Depending upon what we discover, we may add to these. It’s important to also tell you that every two months we run a panel through Natera to measure my circulating cancer DNA [search previous posts for more on this].
As you read below remember that the information derived from [your personal] labs is intended not to discourage but EMPOWER YOU! We should never be afraid of knowledge that sets us free.
STANDING LABS
ESR—Erythrocyte Sedimentation Rate—A measurement of non-specific inflammation in the body that can result from recent surgery, infection, compromised immune system, foods that cause inflammation. This lab also assists in determining where the inflammation might be coming from.
Human Transforming Growth Factor/Beta 1— Measures toxicity levels in the body [caused by a variety of sources including household chemicals, molds, water-damaged buildings, construction debris and more] that can overtax and weaken the immune system, diverting crucial resources that heal the body away from fighting cancer.
Vascular Endothelial Growth Factor [VEGF]—Most tumors contain high levels of VEGF. This lab is an effective indicator of whether a particular cancer is “active” and is spreading to other parts of the body.
Ca-125—Known as “the” marker for endometrial cancer activity. The biggest mistake we make is becoming reactive over one lab alone. Remember, there are many reasons why Ca-125 may be elevated including an indication that the battle is being won. The key is being mindful that there are many things to consider when evaluating what may [or may not] be going on in you.
Human Epididymis Protein [HE4]—Recent research demonstrates that this screening biomarker seems to be more commonly elevated with woman who have gynecologic cancers such as ovarian, endometrial, and uterine.
Lactate Dehydrogenase [LDH]—A marker of anaerobic metabolism. A higher-than-normal result can indicate that my cancer is more active. Cancer uses anaerobic metabolism to make energy.
High Sensitivity CRP [C-Reactive Protein]—This protein is made in the liver as a response to inflammatory changes in the body. Some of these changes can be appropriate [to injury, surgery, etc.]. The concern comes when these levels are elevated for no specific reason. In the case of cancer, unwanted inflammation can cause or grow cancer in the body.
