THE FAST TRAIN
IT'S A FAST TRAIN~
At 18 I had fallen in love with a man who was already in love...with a little girl named, "Kelli." And, while I loved her too, there was this ache and a knowing that his heart would never belong solely to me. And that was about as big a revelation as any girl of 18 could have.
Mamas have a way of making things better and so, bathed in a spirit of, "poor me," I went begging to Jackie for comfort, or pity, or maybe something that my childish understanding couldn't yet define.
"Life is a fast train," Mama said. The lack of softness in her voice and posture were disarming. I had expected more of something like, "sweet baby," but here I was, face to face with a woman who, in the simplest of terms, was challenging me to grow up.
That day, nearly forty years ago, the nail-biting girl was stirred to remove her fingers from her mouth and take in the full force of her own decisions. In that moment, I was asked to make a choice between pretend and real life and, for the first time, to see life as it is...complicated, unexpected, and so much bigger than 18 years could hold.
“You better jump on,” Jackie conveyed without saying. For me, this second half of the lesson, has become a mantra for my life. Not because I am good at it. But because it is something I need to hear in excess. It requires leaving childish notions of perfection, control and the lie of infiniteness behind. It demands an action—stepping up, moving forward, making room. It implies a consequence—missing out, stagnating, a loss of something important.
Had I hesitated thirty nine years ago, that Fast Train would have left me behind. I would not have learned to fight for what I want. I would not have understood the depth of my heart's ability to love both man and child in the same space. I would not have allowed myself to be wholly adored and honored. I would not have raised three men to do the same for the one(s) they choose.
My life has been defined by the rhythm of constancy. We are a family always in motion. Our call to new homes, new places has required us to travel lightly, bonding quickly more with place than things. As I write am sitting on a balcony overlooking a vast ocean. Waves crash and flee. Cars pass. Clouds drift. I am thinking about so many lives lived, so many new and sometimes unexpected situations that have required me to lean in again and then once more. I’m thinking about the faces of those I have met and loved and carried with me along the way. Mostly, and especially today, I am thinking about how many breathless and unanticipated moments are just ahead.
Between all the thoughts comes this palpable anticipation and an audible whisper...
LIFE IS A FAST TRAIN. The rest goes without saying.