I AM…
I am unimpressed with ideas and ambition. These days, what sets my heart ablaze is the doing. Accomplishment commands my attention. So what is next for me, this woman who loves with abandon?
Passion once buried beneath the grief of so many things left undone.
Moments missed. Years wandering. And yet this undeniable craving for a life lived outside of the ordinary. Sometimes frustration burns the joy to ashes. There are days I am rendered useless, nights haunted by the spirit of meaningless. What I want is clarity. What I need is to put space between the fear of nothingness and the promise of abundance that lies ahead. Space to evaluate. Space to mourn. Space to understand. Space to forgive. Space to release guilt. To let go of unmet expectations. To end the unending evaluation of what has gone before.
Time shifts context and significance hides behind relentless routine.
Simple tasks. Obligation. Shallow. Endless. Energy reorganizes as anxiety, misplaced and redirected. Anger and layers of hurt. Disappointment. Grief. “She’s in here,” I silently scream. That woman who was and still is. I thought I was one of the “chosen, a great destiny waiting to be revealed. Did I misunderstand or simply fail the test? So much still left to give yet a seeming giving in to lies told yet unspoken—words whispered in the interiors, “maybe never, maybe too late.”
I fear the embodiment of cliché—living a life the world not only expects but created. And I, the “non-joiner,” now yearn for the crowd. Meaning is a sly fox in the great hunt. The commotion of iPods and text messages drives it away. Meaningless noise. Drowning out the inner voice. Distraction from the real “call.”
Purpose requires sacrifice.
Even and especially the sacrifice of self-importance. Who will go with me to this underestimated place? Vision followed by sacrifice equals greatness in large proportion and I am hungry for the meal. Just a taste of life in its purest form. Unfettered by wanting—unbending, unending giving all of me to something inexplicable. Giving voice to a purpose bigger than words. Bringing life to a bold legacy nonexistent without me.
I have spent my whole life giving all and then retreating for rest. But I have learned that retreat is not someplace to be lived in but to be visited only from time to time. So now, what to do with this one short life, with this body aching to pour out the contents of its destiny? What if the gifting never finds its place? A life without purpose is unacceptable. But I will accept this waiting season with grace.