FOUR DECEMBERS

The ambition has never been to extend my days but rather to enlarge my purpose beyond merely staying alive.

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I rarely pray for healing. In fact, there are days that I forget I have cancer at all.

That’s not to say that I am indifferent to my circumstance. But the passionate petitions when my hands are raised to my Creator have more to do with  “How to,” then “How long.”   

How do we thrive with what we’ve been given? That’s the question haunting my days.

Before cancer, I often wondered with morbid curiosity how people with a terminal disease could create any kind of traction at all. But then it happened to me.

In the space between these last four Decembers, I’ve become a study of others who, like me, have been given a daunting prognosis and are still able to rise above the implications to create something extraordinary with their lives.  

We believe in ignorance that those who accomplish much have little to overcome.

In fact, digging deeper reveals that those with notable achievements are most-often ones whose lives only appear unencumbered by challenges from the outside looking in.

This is where we make our first mistake, in making assumptions based on what little we know—Above all other motivations this is the one that inspires me to share with heaping doses of transparency, week after week.

When you read my stories, you come up close,

and in that space of intimacy, you not only learn the truth about who I am,

but perhaps become better acquainted with yourself.

Those who have overcome much, have been introduced to a kind of power lying dormant within us that we rarely draw from.

I think that’s why I feel compelled to share what I consider to be the iconic image of my journey, taken at the beginning of both my cancer therapy and the renovation of our home. If I were to write a caption it would read, “Here I am studying the stripped-down version of my own sanctuary while Poet studies the stripped-down version of me.”

I was as “sick” as I have ever been. Bald under that scarf and hat. Still, there I am imagining a grand vision for our spaces that was ultimately completed just six short weeks ago.

What grand vision drives you forward in the face of the obstacles either real or perceived?

 This is the first of four Decembers without drywall and sawdust in my home. The seeming impossibility of it made me refer to my medical chart just to double check. As I scrolled down six pages reminding me of what my own body has endured, it occurred to me that our lives are not much more than parentheses for those on the outside looking in. The start and end of what we go through are what people [even those closest to us] remember most; they go about their busy lives while we are left to quietly solo-navigate the grueling in-between bits.

There have been the “standouts”— four Thanksgiving turkeys, four Christmas trees.

But what of the details of those days strung together like popcorn garland winding through the months and years?

When I neglect to closely examine the lessons tucked inside the intimate pieces of my own life—

Instead comparing myself to who I once was,

or measuring my accomplishments alongside someone else—

I diminish the purpose of every obstacle laid before me,

and press pause on the supernatural flow of power from within.

There is no doubt that what we go through redirects and redefines our lives. But along with new purpose comes a new level of resolve, even confidence.

If we are wise, we take stock in the faint and bold reminders that we possess the strength to build, create, transform even in [and perhaps because of] our brokenness.  

This is what I reflect on this first week of this fourth December—

That my focus shifts from all that has been done to me,

to full acknowledgement that my Creator is not done with me yet.

Mine is not an accomplishment of surviving, but of living to the fullest extent.

NOTES:

Along my cancer journey I’ve become fascinated with the lives of those who have “overcome” to some degree. Nearly every one of the people I admire [either closeup or from afar] have not only steadied themselves in the face of their personal challenges, but have eclipsed any preexistent notion of personal strength.

Over these past three years I’ve shared the details of the grueling renovation of our cottage on the lake. Of all the homes we’ve reimagined and restored, this was the one that nearly broke us. But it also made us realize we are stronger than we ever knew.

On days when I begin to question my productivity and purpose in the world, I need only raise my head from the computer and take in what is right under my nose.

While I’ve shared a few images of the spaces along the way, I thought you might enjoy a more comprehensive [After] tour.

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

What do you continue to battle through?

 Have your challenges created chronic stalemates between you and your Creator or are you allowing them to redirect you toward a purpose you may not realize exists?

 Is there something that has weakened you in the moment, that also has the potential [if you allow it] to become your greatest strength?

Photo Credit: Michael McCall/McCall Media