FINDING YOURSELF
In the early mornings when the fog would roll over the mountains like a wave, we’d run through the vineyards until he’d plop down in the mustard blooms, his black coat covered in yellow.
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The mystery of his disappearance still haunts me. It used to be the missing of his muzzle pressed into the crook of my arm, insistent and easy, that I longed for. But through the years it became the answers that I craved—
How does a 180-pound Great Dane simply disappear? It isn’t as if I didn’t try to find him, because I did. With every fiber of my being. I searched for an entire year for the boy who had become my constant companion, my black shadow who would form his enormous floppy jowls into the words, “I love you,” and then whine them out with ease.
In that missing season of Griffin’s departure I mastered the art of dog-searching. Although my efforts were heroic, I failed to bring him home.
There are some things that remain a mystery. Up until my cancer diagnosis the greatest one was losing my big boy.
Isn’t it ironic that I became an expert at finding a lost dog without ever finding my own?
The same thought runs through my head but along a different Vein—Cancer.
How is it that I have any right to share about being healthy when I am in the fight of my own life?
What I am learning, you are learning right along with me. There is no proficiency in living, only a determination to uncover what I’ve ignored, misunderstood, missed.
I am and always have been a dog on a bone.
It's not the winning that is my great pursuit but the unending refusal to give in
This is where I find myself—
In the curiosity that asks the inconspicuous questions.
In the expectancy that the answers will come.
In the revelation that most often the answers are not what I expected.
In the satisfaction that all that could be, has been done.
The me I have come to most-admire is not the one with all the answers but the one who never gives up. This is the version of a me most worthy of discovering.
Not the one who always gets it right,
Not the one who has the perfect story to tell.
This morning I awoke at 4am with this unrelenting need to write, to organize the thoughts that sometimes come like that wave of fog over the mountain, into words that minister to my heart...and yours.
When I am lost, this is where I find myself, in the truth of what I am capable of.
The victory for me comes not in the winning, but remaining in the fight.
This is where I find myself.
NOTES: The Finnish people have a word for is. Sisu—the ability to act rationally in the face of adversity, I think that Sisu is not some ingrained quality or characteristic but a choice. We all have within us the ability to persevere, even in the most unexpected circumstances. Even when the situation is dire. The hardest moments of my life have shaped me into the woman that I am. I would never have met her if not for the heartache. How remarkable that it was not through the gains but the losses that she emerged. Where do you find yourself at this moment in your life?Have you met the “you” that you can count on through every hard thing? We live our days mostly in avoidance of difficulty or dramatically unprepared for when it comes.That preparation isn’t something out there to be acquired, but something that must be cultivated from within—To meet the hard moment with a steadfast gaze. To call upon yourself as your “best resource” To trust yourself to show up in the face of adversity—This is the most beautiful version of being human.