CONVERSATIONS WITH YOURSELF

My mama died of pancreatic cancer. My daddy, a ruptured aorta. Is it a surprise that my tumor is lodged right between my pancreas and my aorta in the center of my chest?

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I have written of the mystery of ourselves—how disconnected we are from who we are within. Our bodies have a language of their own, speaking to us in whispers often so inaudible we fail to hear or, more accurately, refuse to listen.

For years my body did its best to get my attention. Little bits of pain here and there. Then chronic issues that I dismissed as “normal” for a woman who had birthed three healthy [enormous] baby boys. I pushed through the subtle signs that something wasn’t right. I ignored the conversations going on inside of me, the things an inaccessible part of me was desperately trying to say.

Why are we so hungry for the attention of others when we don’t even give it to ourselves?

Our bodies are the keepers of our stories, carrying a lifetime of wounds and scars, not all of them physical, not all of them ours: Tell me, how do we reconcile the mystery of my cancer lodging itself precisely in the space between what my mama suffered and my daddy endured?

If you answer, “coincidence” you will have missed the point of me entirely, that is, the unquenchable pursuit of what cannot be explained.

We dismiss what we fail to understand as “woo woo” and in the process undervalue the most extraordinary aspect of being alive. that is, noticing everything.

But our bodies are paying attention even when we don’t.

The way we speak to and about ourselves when we’re frustrated,
The way we push ourselves too hard and far at the end of the day,
The way we make excuses for our unhealthy habits,
The way we allow others to emotionally and physically invade our sacred space.

When the body has failed to get our attention, its last resort is pain.
Pain is the language of neglect, of something weighty and measurable we’ve missed along the way.

What have you missed? What are the messages your body is sending that you continually ignore?—
“The anxiety you’ve made peace with is at war with who you really are.”
“That unresolved hurt is literally eating you up inside.”

Over the last three years, I’ve learned to check in with my body as if my life depends on it, because it does. And I’ve become kinder with the way I speak to myself, giving it the softer, loving encouragement that it craves.

How do you speak to yourself when you’re frustrated? My colleague once heard me scold myself "You're such a weakling," at the end of a physically demanding day. She stopped me mid sentence and quietly appealed, "Don't speak to my friend that way!" Your body will believe what you tell it, responding not only to the words you use but the energy behind them.

I used to think I could do anything. But doing everything has a cost.
When's the last time you checked in with your body to find out how its doing before it begins to moan and complain? What extraordinary power we exert when we are proactive with the questions we ask ourselves—
Are you really up for this over-scheduled day?
Are you genuinely hungry or is this craving something that has nothing to do with food?
Are there any areas of pain [even subtle] that need to be attended to and addressed?

I’ve learned that chronic inflammation in our bodies changes the nature of our entire existence. It follows that the most important question becomes…What are you inflamed about?

Sit with your body and take an audit of what you’re feeling. I call it, Taking Stock—
What’s going on in your life that can be causing this stress [emotionally, spiritually, mentally, nutritionally]?—
What unresolved conflict is haunting you?  
Have you betrayed yourself in the way you’re living your life?
Have you turned away from something hard that needs to be done?
Is there something that has been left unsaid?

During my hospital stay last week, my doctor shared the Top Four incidents of pain—
Childbirth. Toothache. Pancreatitis. Gunshot Wound.
These are more unusual and dramatic but I have to ask you, what is causing you pain from day to day? The bigger question is why have you allowed it to become a part of who you are?

In talking through this entry, my dear friend and Pastor, Jordan, expresses it this way:
"Your words remind me that in many religions, the body is something to be rejected, with our desires and needs pushed away. But with Christ, the body is made sacred, a place for the Spirit to dwell; therefore, we are not just caring for ourselves but the temple of God. In addition, God Himself becomes a man in Jesus, confirming the beauty of the human body and ending the lie that the brokenness of our bodies should be ignored." 

In our fear of missing out [FOMO} we ignore very little, except the subtext of our story that is running through our veins. I suspect the connection we are craving is the one we should be nurturing with ourselves. 

NOTES: 

As part of my healing process my remarkable doctors asked me to provide a written chronological of everything that has happened to me in my life that has a potential emotional, physical, spiritual link to my cancer. What an extraordinary idea! 

You may find yourself wondering how my mama’s and daddy’s own health journeys could be so intertwined with my own. Genetics aside, the traumatic aspect of my involvement in their care and ultimate passings has the very real potential of impacting my body in a way that my mind cannot completely comprehend. But there it is, a tumor lodged between the pancreas and aorta, and the exquisite irony of this cannot be ignored. 

If you were to sign up for one of my Sessions, you would experience the catharsis of going through creating a written chrono of your own life. To give you an idea of what it looks and sounds like, here's an excerpt from mine:

~I worked nearly full time throughout high school and college. I studied journalism and received my degree.  I was and have always been a workaholic. I am fond of saying my work is my play. 

~While a freshman in college I had all four of my wisdom teeth removed. The medication used constricted my urethra and I ultimately needed a catheter which caused a raging infection in my kidneys. I was ill for months and lost a great deal of weight. 

Becoming an advocate of and for yourself should be at the top of your "Must Do" list. 

RELATED POSTS YOU MIGHT ENJOY:
https://www.sanctuaryliving.life/the-mystery-of-ourselves/  
https://www.sanctuaryliving.life/no-shame-in-rest-2/